It's hard for many of you to understand anxiety and how it controls people.  Not sure what anxiety feels like?  You know that feeling you get when you miss a step on the stairs and your stomach lurches - it feels like that, but lasts a lot longer.  It's right in the middle of feeling like you're going to faint and feeling like you're going to die.  It goes from 0 to 100 in an instant and there's no controlling it.

I've expressed several times my struggle with anxiety.  Anxiety is completely destructive to my entire being.  After I graduated from high school, I developed this "anxiety monster" and it festered and grew...because I allowed it to.  I enabled it.  As a result, I withdrew from a lot of activities because I was worried I would have a panic attack.

I've gone on to have children but didn't do a lot of things with them out of fear.  Going to amusement parks, I would sit on a bench.  Never ride the rides.  If we went on vacation, we would drive so that I could be in control of my destination...stop when I needed to.  On a plane or train, you can't stop.  We would go to Disney and I could never enjoy myself.  I knew the kids were having fun, but they could sense I was miserable.  I wouldn't eat.  I appeared to be holding my breath and rushing to get through everything.  That's no fun for anyone.

Recently, I noticed that my kids were picking up some of my behavior patterns and that's when reality hit me.  I'm more frightened at the thought of my kids suffering with anxiety than my own anxiety and what's causing it.  Enough really is enough.  So how do I fix it?

When we planned our recent vacation, I decided to go against all that was right in my world and experience life!  It started with flying.  The thought of being that confined in such close quarters with people, who don't know me or perhaps understand my fears, is more painful than my brain can comprehend.  But, my kids were watching me and I marched forward and got on not just 1 plane but 4 total.  After the first flight was behind me, my kids were so proud of me.  They know I suffer and I told them "You see, no matter how scared you are, just keep pushing forward. You will survive."

The remainder of the trip consisted on going on rides...way way outside of my comfort zone...and it was FUN!  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't as easy as just getting on a ride and going for the thrill.  I had to continuously talk myself through it.  I felt nauseated.  I felt panicked.  I even had a tear or two.  My husband held my hand.  He can't save me from my anxiety, but he does stand beside me while I save myself.  After the ride was over, I was so thrilled that I did it.  I rode the rides with my kids.  I got to see their reactions.  I got to hear their laughs and screams as their stomachs pulled and tickled.  I now have those great memories.

Today, as I think back on the last 2 weeks, I'm still "recovering" mentally.  That's what I do.  Constant thought process.  I feel like my nerves are shot and I can't possibly handle anymore excitement.  The dust needs to settle a bit.  But, ya know what...I didn't die!!  All those things that I worry about didn't happen and I lived to tell about it.  So, what's next?

I'm hoping my experience with anxiety will encourage some of you to help yourselves.

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