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New Research Finds Bumping Uglies Only Burns 21 Calories — Dibs on Telling Richard Simmons

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If you’ve always lived your life by the age-old myth that you can burn 300 calories every time you knock athletic shoes with your partner in carnal knowledge, a new study suggests that you might want to start bumping uglies on a stationary bike or elliptical machine – recent findings show the average person only burns roughly 21 calories while barely sweating it out in the sack.

That’s right boys, the jig is up – researchers from the University of Alabama published an article this week in the New England Journal of Medicine that reveals that the average man is prematurely ejaculating himself right into obesity – mistakenly blowing off the gym under the pretense that his bedroom efforts will make up for it.

Study author Dr. David Allison says that his team discovered that the average sex session lasts about six minutes, which is just enough humpin n’ pumpin to shed 20 calories – approximately what a guy might burn walking to the nearest liquor store.

Unfortunately, the misconception that rubbing bellies with a babe will burn off that cheeseburger you had for lunch is why some men continue to struggle with losing weight, says Dr. Allison. In fact, men that intend to cut weigh by sexercising will need to be able to keep the coital momentum going for at least an hour and a half – a feat which, unfortunately, most of us are too beaver-eager to live up to.

Don’t worry, though; your quick trigger issue is nothing that a few deep breaths, a couple shots of whiskey and a tequila chaser won’t cure. That method may not help you lose weight, but it will help you keep your dignity. You’re welcome!

Next: Oh, Good! Your First Sex Can Scar You For Life

 

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