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10 Dumbest Reasons People Have Called 911

For most people, it’s pretty obvious when a 911 call is necessary. Say, for example, that you just witnessed a bank robbery and wanted to let the cops know the deal—no one is going to question that decision. The same goes for emergency medical assistance—broken leg? No problem. 911 is the ultimate lifeline when something crazy goes down and you aren’t sure what to do next.

Unfortunately, “crazy” is a relative term, and some people go out of their way to test its boundaries. This special subsection of humanity seems to have decided that the emergency hotline is Dr. Phil, Match.com, and Liam Neeson all rolled into one. Unhappy with your ex? The police will set him straight! McDonald’s isn’t serving chicken nuggets? The local SWAT team will make them!

As delusional as these speed-dialers are, they do provide a very valuable service to their fellow man—they make us laugh. Check out these ridiculous abuses of the 911 service, and feel better about your own life.

Ready For Her Close-Up

You know how girls will spend 10 minutes posing for a picture, only to sprint over to the camera and claim that they don’t like the way it came out? Well, that’s pretty much what happened to Tonya Ann Fowler, a 45-year-old Georgia native who isn’t exactly what one would call “photogenic.” Apparently, Fowler was flipping through her copy of “Bad and Busted” when she noticed that her latest mugshot had caught her bad side. Like any other self-respecting felon, she decided to call up emergency services and demand a re-shoot. The call may have led to another arrest, but at least Tonya will get to spruce up her makeup this time.

And in her defense, she’s absolutely right. That mugshot is terrifying.

Math Problems

Just about everyone has had their share of issues with math, but this poor four-year-old took things to a new level. The kindergartner dialed 911 after struggling to solve a subtraction problem, claiming that his mother told him to “call someone if he needed help.” Luckily, the operator was nice and patient enough to help the kid rather than get him in trouble.

On a separate note, how screwed is this kid academically? If he’s calling the cops over addition and subtraction, he’ll be calling NORAD when he gets to trigonometry.

“We Made Brownies, and I Think We’re Dead”

When Detroit-area police officer Edward Sanchez decided to do his best “Training Day” impression and steal a suspect’s marijuana stash, he probably expected it to turn out a little better than this. Sanchez and his wife ate a couple of pot brownies, and got so stoned that they made the following ridiculous 911 call:

“I don’t know, we made brownies. And I think we’re dead. Time is going by really really really really slow.”

That’s right, the guy was so high that he thought he was dead, and decided that his best course of action (from beyond the grave) would be to call the cops. You should probably sit the next few plays out, Eddie.

The Tim Tebow Hotline

New York Jets quarterback Tim Tebow has a pretty rabid legion of fans, but we’re pretty sure that none of them is as dedicated as Jason Slater. The Hopatcong, New Jersey resident was so committed to talking to Tebow that he called the local 911 line…while posing as President Obama. Jason may have failed to consider a few things, such as why the President would call a random New Jersey emergency operator instead of Tebow himself, but hey, you can’t knock the hustle. Police would later find Slater hiding in his mother’s bedroom and slap the ‘cuffs on him, but if he’s anything like his idol, it probably took three or four officers to bring him down.

Where’s My McNuggets?

Florida native Latreasa Goodman had ordered McNuggets, only to find that her local McDonald’s chain had run out of them. Rather than roll with the punches and move down to the next dollar-menu monstrosity, Latreasa decided that it was the perfect time to involve the authorities. Check out the transcript of her 911 call:

“This is an emergency!  If I would have known they didn’t have McNuggets, I wouldn’t have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don’t want one.  This is an emergency.”

We wouldn’t exactly call the McNuggets shortage an emergency, but it’s hard to blame her. When you order a McDouble, you’re letting yourself down.

The Bologna Was Especially Delicious

The slammer isn’t exactly known for its gourmet cuisine, but one prison’s deli selections were good enough to impress Christine Lee Brown. The Florida native was so enthralled by her jail’s bologna sandwiches that she called 911 six times to thank the authorities. The local sheriff wasn’t amused, and booked Brown on six felony charges. Still, Brown ultimately got the last laugh–she’ll get to enjoy her favorite sandwiches on a daily basis.

Don’t Forget The Handcuffs

Every guy goes through a slump now and again, but most people don’t sink to Joshua Basso’s pathetic level. Rather than hit up a local bar or see what Match.com had to offer, the 32-year-old decided to proposition the local police force for his gentlemanly needs. Basso called the local authorities a total of seven times, apparently convinced that slump-busting female cop sex was just a phone call away. The creepy move earned Basso a set of handcuffs, though probably not in the way he would’ve wanted. Worst of all, his calls were caught on tape and released to the public. Take a listen if you want to cringe.

Enter The Matrix

In a story that should have starred Harold and Kumar, a Florida teenager dialed 911 to report that his dreams were starting to come true. Mark Welch wasn’t speaking metaphorically about his career ambitions—he was just really high on synthetic marijuana, and thought he was living in an alternate reality. The cops slammed Mark with a misdemeanor charge for colossal idiocy. We really hope this guy never finds out about bath salts.

Hail Mary

Earlier this year, 55-year-old Michael Barker must have woken up and thought, “how many irrational requests can I make of the police today?” The homeless Floridian called 911 no less than nine times, with each call making less sense than the last. Barker started slow, complaining about chest pains, then decided to jack up the crazy a few notches. After receiving calls about his lost football and requests for a free taxi, the police decided to arrest their unhinged harasser. When they showed up to take Barker into custory, he responded by hanging up his cell phone and hiding his head under a blanket. Hey, if you can’t see them, they can’t see you, right?

The Field of Nightmares

Visiting the local farm during fall is probably one of the safest family activities in existence. Just about everyone can pick apples, look at scarecrows, and make it throw a corn maze without having to involve the local police—except for one Danvers, Massachusetts family. The family of four became so rattled while navigating a corn maze that they decided to call in the big guns for a rescue operation. Of course, it took the cops a grand total of nine minutes to find the marooned adventurers. The best part of all is a quote from the farm’s owner, Bob Conners:

“There is no wire or fence around the maze, so if they really want or need to get out all they have to do is listen for the sound of traffic they can always make their way through the corn rows to the road.”

Easier said than done, Bob.

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