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Put Down the Axe — Good Advice For Murderers and Body Spray Lovers Alike

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Please, stop using Axe Body Spray. You’re ruining everything.

You’ve gotta feel for anosmiacs — the term used for people who are born with no sense of smell — and not just because this recent study says that they have an average of two sexual partners, compared to the ten partners typical of people without the disorder. (Also, ten? How old are they? God, we are easy.)

Though that’s a sad statistic, we really feel for them because smelling someone that you’re attracted to is kind of the best. Think about it; smell your own armpit when it’s getting a little ripe and it’s pretty unpleasant, but smell the pit of someone you love rolling around naked with, and it smells awesome for some reason. Oh pheromones, you beautiful and powerful mystery.

Science explains that people without the ability to smell tend to be more insecure and have problems socializing, and thus finding a mate. This makes sense since we’re animals, and as much as we attempt to pretend we’re more civilized than our pets, we’re not really. Just like them, lots of times we navigate the world with our noses. This explains phrases like “sniff out trouble,” or “I smell a rat.” (Both of which may have been retired from colloquial use in the late 1950s, but stay with us.) If you can’t tell if you have bad breath or B.O., you’re definitely going to feel timid about approaching an attractive person.

Thankfully, most of us are not anosmiacs, and our sense of smell plays a key role in determining who we are attracted to. Dousing your body in Axe Body Spray or some other criminally strong scent only serves to cover up the natural chemicals that your body is producing to attract suitable companions. You sir, applying Axe post-shower as if applying an even coat of spray paint on the salvaged door of a pickup truck, are getting directly in the way of the babes who are trying to sniff you out.

Don’t know what to do with the rest of your can, and love pranks? The ol’ summer camp ‘Axe Bomb’ is always a good idea: Tape the trigger down, and throw the can into someone’s bedroom/car/closet that you’ve locked them in, and ruin their afternoon.  We’re such good friends.

Next: How to Ditch Your Movember Mustache

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