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‘The Bachelor’ Recap – Season 17 Episode 5 – Sean Can’t See Why All the Women Hate Tierra

'The Bachelor'
ABC

Monday’s episode of ‘The Bachelor’ proved a man simply cannot date 11 women without more than just a wee bit of drama. Sorry to shatter your belief system.

The episode opened with host Chris Harrison telling the women to pack up because they’re flying to Montana to meet Sean for a series of dates. That’s totally normal when you’re courting somebody (or somebodies, in this instance), right?

Date #1 – Part 1

Sean had only one one-on-one date this week and the lucky lady who accompanied him was Lindsay. They took a helicopter tour of Glacier National Park and she gushed, “I feel like I’ve known this guy forever.” Maybe she Googled him, because otherwise it’s creepy. Well, it’s creepy even if she did. They kissed. It was about as standard as one of these over-the-top and completely ludicrous ‘Bachelor’ dates can be.

Part 2

Lindsay confessed she disliked being an Army brat. They drank in front of the fire and kissed before he gave her the rose. Sean was impressed with her because he felt they “share the same morals,” which, if you’re voluntarily looking for a spouse on an orchestrated reality show, we have to wonder what exactly those morals are.

After dinner, they walked to the center of town where country singer Sarah Darling was performing (we can only assume Carrie Underwood was booked) in concert in front of the whole town. They danced on a raised platform while the people watched as if they had never seen someone sing live before.

At the end of the date, Lindsay admitted, “I am so happy because he likes me.” Guess what, Lindz? He also likes nearly a dozen other women, so you’re not that special.

Date #2 – Part 1

The ridiculous group date featured eight women competing in a relay race in two teams of four, with the winning team earning the right to move onto the second part of the date, in yet another example of how this show sets equal rights back a century or so.

The teams had to race in canoes, buck hay, saw a log and milk a goat before drinking its milk. Seriously, if my wife had been told she would have to go through this kind of humiliation in order to spend time with me before we married, I’m pretty sure I’d currently be a paying member of eHarmony.

The team of Selma, Desiree, Sarah and Robyn won, while the one with AshLee, Catherine, Lesley and Daniella lost and were sent back to their harem lodge to contemplate the failures they are.

'The Bachelor'
ABC

But because Sean is so darned dedicated to learning as much as he can about these women, he decided to invite the losing team to dinner at some lounge along with the winning team. When the losing foursome found this out, they cheered like the atom had been split.

Part 2

Tierra was in the lodge when she heard the losing team could go on the date, so she figured she could do it, too. She showed up at the lounge all by her lonesome and stole some time with Sean, without anyone knowing. Meanwhile, the women from the winning team were fuming the losing team went on the date with them.

(Side note: What do the women do when they’re not with Sean? They always seem like they’re just hanging around whatever place they’re living. Are they allowed to go outside? Can they call family to say they’re safe and aren’t being held hostage? Do they have to wear ankle monitors?)

Sean made the rounds and talked to all the women, and AshLee later uttered, “I am falling in love with him.” Wow, all I can say is “gun jumped.”

He wound up giving the rose to Daniella after she cried to him when she saw Catherine sitting on his lap. I always hated when one of my 11 girlfriends caught me canoodling with someone else, so I can totally sympathize. (Please read that previous sentence all the sarcasm of Chandler Bing on ‘Friends.’)

Date #3 – Part 1

The two-on-one date featured Sean going on a horseback ride with Tierra and Jackie. There was a rose on the line, meaning one of them would be eliminated. You knew this would be a tough decision because he appears to like everyone.

He’s like a politician soliciting votes, although in this instance he’s soliciting kisses from women, which, if you think about it, isn’t really that much different from a politician, is it? (I’m not sorry.)

Sean got some alone time with both women. Jackie decided to trash Tierra, a move that NEVER, EVER works. She said she saw Tierra flirting with a guy at the airport, indicating she’s not there for the right reasons. I’ve watched this show for years and I’m pretty sure the “right reasons” to be on it are publicity, so I say Tierra is fine.

Tierra one-upped Jackie, though, when she got Sean alone and showed a vulnerable side. She told him a story about how she dated a guy who had gone to rehab before he died. Sean was impressed that Tierra revealed more depth than a kiddie pool and gave the rose to her, sending Jackie back to the real world.

Ultimately, he said he didn’t have romantic feelings for Jackie, who — following the script of oh-so-many others on ‘The Bachelor’ before her when they got kicked off — cried, as if a deep relationship you only see in Bogie and Bacall movies had reached its tragic end.

Cocktail Party

Everyone was brought to a different lodge (because staying at the same one would be absurd, right?). The night unraveled quickly when Tierra went off the deep end and exchanged words with seemingly all the other ladies. She even boldly declared, “I would beat the [bleep] out of these bitches.”

Note to ABC: If you want to increase male viewership, get the bachelorettes to engage in some cat fights. The network will enjoy a ratings spike the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the “new Becky” seasons of ‘Roseanne.’

Tierra told the women she’s sick of how they look at each other when she walks into a room and there are plenty of guys she can get engaged to. While she was spewing her brand of venom to Robyn, Sean walked by, so he had to take her aside and find out what’s going on. Once again, she tried to play the victim by saying everyone else attacks her and that she gets no credit for being nice.

Sean, frustrated that he couldn’t get any specifics about Tierra, tried to pry some info from Lesley, who simply said she is cold around the women.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Sean told Chris Harrison how frustrated (the key word of this episode) he was and was having doubts about whether his wife was in the other room. Let me shout this in bold and italicized capital letters for Sean: SHE ISN’T. JUST ABOUT EVERY RELATIONSHIP ON ‘THE BACHELOR’ GOES BAD.

Okay, now we can move on.

Rose Ceremony

In the end, Sean decided not to give a rose to Robyn. She thought he was convinced she was the one causing the drama in the house. Then, she cried, fulfilling what we can only imagine is an agreement signed in blood to do so by all the women who go on ‘The Bachelor.’

We don’t have much time to absorb all the tension from this week’s episode because another two-hour bonanza airs Tuesday evening. And it should be a doozy — it looks like Tierra will need medical attention, although you have to wonder if it’s all for show to gain sympathy. Brace yourselves, kids.

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