Horrorscopes: Your Daily Completely Fictitious Horoscope

Just in case you're wondering what your horoscope dictates for today I am here to help you out.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan 19): Today is a good day for a haircut. Try something new, then see if your significant other notices.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Today you will find money that you thought you lost. Unfortunately by tomorrow you will have misplaced it again.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): Today is the day you get your dream job.... Then you wake up.

Aries (March 21-April 19): Today you should avoid volcanoes.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Today you forgot to brush your teeth and everyone can tell.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): Since we are in your birthday horoscope, you should eat cake.

Cancer (Jun 21- July 22): If you go to Dunkin' today, it will be delicious.

Leo (July 23- Aug 22): You are the greatest and everyone loves you.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): Your tag is sticking up.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): Tell someone you love them.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22): Today is a good day to get a pet.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 22): Avoid roller coasters.