You pee on a stick and the result is: Positive.  First thing every new mom does...run out to the store and buy a copy of 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' and any other parenting book to educate you on how to harvest this being in your womb and then raise it 18 years.  I'll be the first to tell you...it's all CRAP!

First and foremost...mom's to be, you need to know this now and get used to the idea of it.  You will, in fact, poop on the delivery table.  Get over it.  You can't roll a rolling pin over a tube of toothpaste and have nothing come out.  Same concept...baby's head...bla bla bla...your colon...end result...POOP!

But, pregnancy and delivery is the easy part!  Raising the child is where we all need guidance.  Guidance that is not available to you in books.  No, guidance you can only get from other 'seasoned' mothers who know the truth.  This is what I was never told:

  • You can't have nice things.  Put that idea out of your head right now.  Kids ruin EVERYTHING.  Plates, cups, couches, towels, shoes, YOUR CAR...everything!  And, nobody will own up to it.  When you ask 'who broke this?'...silence.  In fact, sometimes, just to get the kids to be quiet...I'll ask 'who broke this?' just to shut them up!
  • Obviously, small babies put things in their mouth.  It doesn't end there.  You think it does...but it doesn't.  In fact, you have to constantly monitor what goes in their yapper even when you think they are old enough to 'know better'.  Don't be shocked when the nurse calls you and says 'Um, your son 10 year-old son swallowed a paper clip'.  (For the record: It takes approximately 1 year for a paper clip to pass through ones digestive system)
  • While I'm on the topic, it doesn't end with putting things in their mouth.  They also stick things in their ears and nose, which sometimes requires a surgeon to go in and fetch.
  • They won't eat vegetables, but they will eat a day old sandwich that was left on the counter over night in 90 degree heat...or a piece of gum they dropped on the floor of Petco.
  • Teenage boys stink.  They think it's cool, I guess.  I don't know.  But they just smell.  You can offer them solutions...but they don't care.
  • Kids learn things quickly.  Whether it be from a movie or Walmart.  You have no idea they know what they know until they say it...and then you're left stunned.  My 7 year old said to her Aunt (who is having twins) 'Don't be worried when you have the twincesses, but the doctor is going to push your knees back and pull them babies out of your va jay jay'.  I have NOT had this talk with her...and I have no idea where she heard it.
  • Kids jar their farts.  Yup, they take a bath...fart in the tub...take a jar...and grab the bubble.  There ya have it...jarred farts.
  • They WILL share your business with the WORLD.  There is no sensor.  What you weigh...whether or not you snore...that you have to lay down to zip your jeans...anything.  There are no secrets with kids.
  • Get used to repeating yourself.  They never respond on first command.  You'll sound like a broken record.  Then when you have reached your limit, you'll yell at them and they they will tell family, friends...whoever...'Mom always yells at me'.

It's not easy by any  means...but it certainly is very rewarding.  Parenting is not for the weak.  If I can offer one tid bit of advice, enjoy them when they are small.  You may feel exhausted...but trust me...they are much easier to contain.  They actually make cages for them.  Enjoy it!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY